I was with my ex-partner for more than 20 years. We were mostly happy and I expected us to be together for life. For well over half the relationship, I was the sole breadwinner and, at my ex’s request, managed our finances. We were reasonably well off, with savings and without a mortgage. We even had a holiday home, albeit a static caravan.
I retired early, and the problems we had in our relationship grew. We had both loved travel, but I was repeatedly told we couldn’t afford it, which I knew was nonsense. I went back to work in a demanding new field, but my ex showed no interest. I spent more time away from home and began therapy (my suggestion of couples’ therapy was rejected). After a year of therapy, I said I was leaving.
My ex said we couldn’t afford to split up. So, I gave them the house and more than half the savings, and moved to the caravan. In the last six years I have bought a new house, have a wonderful new partner and have travelled. I am successful in my work and doing things I dreamed about for years.
But I can’t let go of my resentment of my ex. The many material things I brought to the relationship and left behind. The fact that my ex is living in a house worth twice my own. That I turned myself inside out to provide for someone but never got any credit.
These things are petty. I look for a book that I paid for, and realise my ex took it, and I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to let it go, but how?
You didn’t say whose name the assets were in – joint names, their name or only yours. You didn’t mention children either. This would substantially change things. I am working on the assumption that you voluntarily gave all this to them with no legal guidance to do so and no children were involved. If so, then I don’t think how you feel is at all unreasonable and I am astounded.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Hazel Hyslop who also wanted to “acknowledge your courage and resourcefulness. You have shown that you can make difficult decisions and create a different life for yourself.”
But it’s understandable, Hyslop said, “that you feel confused by your resentment. From the outside, it appears you’ve moved on. Yet emotionally, part of you may still be living with the unfairness of what happened. Accept and acknowledge your feelings and give yourself permission to feel them. You might find that makes it easier to move forward.”
It’s not petty to be annoyed that a book, or anything else, is with your ex. Because it’s not just about the book, is it?
Hyslop said: “The book may represent everything you feel you contributed and left behind. Your money, possessions, labour, care and responsibility. Your resentful feelings may be saying: ‘What I gave mattered. I mattered. Why was this never recognised?’ These feelings are not petty. They may be signals that an important part of your experience still needs to be acknowledged.”
Resentment alerts us that a line has been breached. It’s an important emotion, often aligned with anger. Maybe you could put your energies into naming the line that’s been crossed and how it makes you feel. If you can tune into it I really think a lot may lighten.
You could also try writing it all down; that may make you furious, but it can really help (you don’t need to do anything with the letter). I don’t think you realise just how resourceful you are. But isn’t it exhausting having to be that person? I hope your new partner can lighten some of this for you going forward and look after you.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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