Recently, I had a conversation with a friend who explained that her ill health was down to reasons I would describe as dubious. Taking certain supplements and changing her diet have significantly improved her health. Good for her. However, she was disappointed and a little annoyed that I didn’t share her outrage and wasn’t going to follow her views.
I’ve got another friend who thinks cholesterol is a lie and that we should live largely on meat (and supplements). Another went through a sugar causes cancer phase. And another is sceptical of vaccines. Each of them may be right. They might not. We are learning more about the human body every day. But I was raised by scientists and I want to see a large-scale trial before I get outraged and change the way I live. Equally, I’m not convinced that a lightly regulated for-profit industry (supplements) is automatically more trustworthy than a highly regulated for-profit one (pharma).
I want to be respectful of their choices and the research they have done into their specific conditions, but for them to respect my beliefs too. The feeling I get is that they think they have the keys to the real intel and I’m being duped by the medical establishment. Or that I’m not a good friend because I don’t believe them.
I’m not sure how to have a respectful conversation about that. I’d prefer to avoid it, but it comes up often. I find myself making non-committal comments such as “how interesting”. But I know, and they know, I’m sceptical.
But isn’t it OK for your scepticism to still be there? Isn’t this how so many of us get along, skirting over differing views of politics, religion and science? You’re not going to convince them any more than they’ll persuade you, so you need to find common ground.
I went to psychotherapist Ryan Bennett-Clarke, who said: “Healthy relationships don’t need collusion to survive. In fact, healthy discourse can strengthen and invigorate relationships, so long as people are able to listen to each other and demonstrate a desire to hear what the other person is saying. We can be curious and compassionate without having to commit ourselves to something that doesn’t align with our own beliefs and experiences.”
Of course, there are some beliefs that may be harmful for others to hold, but even then you can’t force someone to listen. What I have found often works best is something gentle such as “That’s really interesting, I used to think that until I read XYZ”, and leave it at that. No one is receptive if they are forced into a defensive position. You could even say “Oh really, tell me more”, without having their beliefs tattooed on to you. But if all you have between you are these differences, then a friendship gets harder to sustain. And yes it is difficult to listen to some theories.
Bennett-Clarke thought it was important to remember that “we can retain our right to have our own minds while thinking about the experiences and beliefs of others. Wanting to be understood and similar to others can help us feel less alone in the world. But we can stay in relational contact with someone, even if we don’t share their experiences or beliefs.”
The truth is that the more you dig in with your beliefs the more likely your friends will be to try to convince you of theirs, so be mindful of this. You might also find useful a podcast I made on conflict with resolution expert Gabrielle Rifkind, How to Agree to Disagree. It’s all about how to turn conflict into connection and looks at why being seen to be right isn’t always necessary – even if we are, indeed, right.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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