My longterm boyfriend died of cancer last year. We’d been together for 16 years, since I was 21 and he was 23. I had given birth to our only child three weeks before his diagnosis. My son was just shy of 10 months old when his dad died, and he’s now turned two.
I loved my late partner deeply and had planned to stay with him for ever. We were embarking on an 18-year project together, raising our son. Now I think, how can I ever be happy again?
Before he died, my partner told me to find a single dad to go out with. When I returned to work, a colleague I had considered a flirt was away – getting chemo. Now he’s in remission. He’s also a single parent. Lately, I’ve realised I have a crush on him. His life has been touched by tragedy and he knows what’s important to him. He’s very kind, like my late partner, and I think we click.
What gives me a lot of pause is that I find him to blow hot and cold. Also, because I’m a solo mum I don’t really have time for someone else. But he has recently left the company, so I wouldn’t be dating a co-worker.
Is it remarkable to meet a single dad you genuinely like? Or are there more out there than I think? Please tell me what you think I should do.
What a devastating loss you’ve experienced, and at such a tender time of motherhood. I’m so sorry.
I spoke to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Stephanie White, who wondered, given that you were with your partner almost your entire adult life, “if you have learned to trust your gut and made ‘good enough’ decisions on your own”. You seem to look outside yourself to validate what you’re doing: your partner “told you” to find a single dad to go out with. You ask me to tell you what you “should do”. Ultimately, we all need our own internal guide, and I’d like you to think about yours.
I wouldn’t want to stop you having fun – you deserve it – but you have “a lot of pause” about this new man. This could be because he has a lot going on in his life, but it could also be because something doesn’t feel right for you. Also, are you in a place to potentially take on his issues?
White said: “There seems to be something here about an expected narrative thread getting cut: you were ‘embarking on an 18-year project together’, but reality is not panning out as expected. This can lead to feeling stuck.”
She also felt there could be a “trauma bond” between you and this other man – his life has been “touched by tragedy” too – and wondered if there was “something about wanting to skip, perhaps unconsciously, the phases of the grieving process by substituting a ‘facsimile’ for your former partner”.
“But grieving is a long process,” White warned, “and one of the most important parts is accepting that the death has occurred and, in your case, that the expected narrative arc of your lives has now ended. At some level, you seem to know this new man is not ideal. You’re not a widow years out of bereavement who finds love; you’re a year in, and that’s no time at all.”
You have a young son to care for. We wondered about your support network. Lean into it, maybe look into some therapy or support groups such as Widowed and Young. Take it slowly, and put yourself and your son first. Don’t rush into a new caring role beyond this just yet. But that doesn’t mean you can’t – or shouldn’t – love and have fun again.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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